Category: Uncategorized (Page 7 of 7)

Thank you, thank you Lord for lifting this fog of fear from me, for allowing me to see clearly right now.  Today, this day, this moment I am blessed beyond all reason because you have granted me a lighter sentence and showered me with your grace and mercy.  I feel your presence with me in each breath, I close my eyes and peace floods me…and you whisper..”rest in my peace Cindy Kay” and I do.

I am grateful for the pain in my left hip-because I FEEL the pain, I am no longer numb to life’s moments.  Your sun filters through the green oak leaves making dancing arms of a solid trunk.  You send this ever so gentle wind to carress my face, because you KNOW my favorite things.  I am light as the breeze you send.  Shadows of leaves play on the deck, I smile.

My sweet Savior who carries me in his arms through each trial, picks me up when I fall and sets me firmly back down on the ground, so I may begin again.  I thank you.  Clense me, use me, let me serve you the rest of my days and BE a blessing to others.

Sunday we trimmed, pruned and then eventually chopped down 2 big bushes to the ground.  As I worked through my anxiety that morning, I began to feel Jesus teaching me a lesson in each chop I made.  I could see crystal clear why He prunes us.  Dead branches don’t grow. Mangled, tangled messes can’t produce new leaves.

A hornets nest scared me at first, but I calmed down when I decided the whole bush had to come down, start over, begin anew…then..the hornets leave.  It’s what Jesus was doing for me, trimming, cutting, prunning and it HURT, and I cried and screamed.  But, He was right, those parts were all dead.  God made his world so perfect – every creature and living thing rids itself of dead parts, and grows new, and re-news itself, as the butterfly does.  Jesus is recreating me, repositioning me to come under his covering and fall under his grace, and it feels great!

My front yard looks so beautiful now, clean, I can see out the window, I can visualize the new strong bush that will grow there.  I am renewed, refreshed and loved deeply by my Savior and I am so grateful.

How does a flying feathered creature crack open a clammed up sunflower seed and wisk out the seed inside?  Even as I gaze upon this spectacle of God’s creation I am in awe.  I want to make a wish for it’s sake to grow two tiny little appendages to assist it.  As I stare-hardly breathing, for fear of stirring it’s concentration, I observe that what this beautiful red cardinal does is effortless, seemless in motion.  God whispers to my spirit- awghhh- my perfect creation.  Flawless.  Timeless.  Perfect.  Mine bestowed upon you to watch in wonder at it’s glorious loveliness.  Thank you Lord.

These deep restful breaths, long with intake, are my saving grace to the hurried, stressed life outside this moment.  Tears well up, goose bumps form, as I ponder in my “human-ness” God’s creative power and beauty.  “Who makes the clouds his chariot, who walks on the wings of the wind.”  Psalm  104:3  Can you imagine-tapping into the true power and majesty of our Lord-can you fathom it?  Walking on wind—His wind?  How small we are, yet he loves us so deep.

“Then He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings shall you trust and find refuge, his truth and his faithfullness are a shield and a buckler.” Psalm 91:4  Under His wings I find refuge, here in this moment of morning sun and solitude, casting my eyes upon His winged friends I do find peace.

Through His splendid creations He speaks-whispers to us of who He is, mimicked in the birds at my feeders.

“It is a good and delightful thing to give thanks to the Lord..” Psalm 92:1  It is good for my soul that I delight as a toddler giggles, in my Lord each day, giving thanks for my bowl of cereal, my 30 year old washing machine, for my strapping son and my sweet daughter, for my lone tomato on the spindly vine, for another lovely cool summer day….thank you, gratitude, thanksgiving…for covering me with your love.  And God whispers back to me in a symphony of crickets and creatures and I feel blessed.

My sister is one of the best people I know, she is pure and simple, giving, unselfish and kind.  Over these days and nights I’ve been with her recently I find myself a little bit mad at God.  Who in the world is up there picking and choosing who should suffer?  Did they forget to take inventory here on earth of the good guys-cuz they are dwindling fast.  I so wish I could submit a list of those who should replace her cancer riddled body…why can’t I?

Even in her fragile pale state she makes me a better person and lifts my spirits.  It’s not fair I scream to the wind.  Then the Holy Spirit gently reminds me-life’s not fair my child.  Well….somebody needs to work on that.

This morning while brushing my teeth, I thought to myself-God never ever promised us a rose garden.  Oh He did deliver the breathtaking roses, but the bush is covered with thorns.  My sister is a peach rose and cancer is her thorns, and I can’t cut them off.  He promises us eternal joy and peace with Him and suffering while we are here, but God walks with us, carries us, keeps our tears in a bottle and loves us every step of the way.

Mom, sis and I do devotions at night before bedtime, one evening will be carved into my memory forever.  We decided to start a little book someone had given her, “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young, so sis picked it up.  She put on her glasses and began reading the introduction to ME as tired as she was.  Her words floated off her lips straight to my heart.  Her voice was steady and strong and sweet as she read page after page of Sarah’s miraculous story. It moved me and I had to bow my head so I would not cry-it was the fact that SHE was serving me from her hospital at home bed that shook me to my core.  I came for rest from my worries and the Lord used my sister as the vessel to serve and honor me.  Those moments she read to me were pure love, sisterly love.  Thank you Jesus for giving us that time, it was precious and priceless. A rose amoung the thorns.

2 Thessalonians 3:16 “Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.”

This morning I opened my mom’s deck door to 2 precious little white tail deer galloping across the woods not 20 feet in front of me. They have crossed my vista several times this week, frolicking and playing in the early morn.  Yesterday I skipped and played and laughed my day away.  My son and 2 of his friends and I went to the pool and I packed silliness into my beach bag.  I was as goofy as a 56 year old woman could be without making the lifeguard blow his whistle.

Just as I began to feel there was no way around this anxiety obstacle, God opened a door for me to enjoy my day, my moment in his warm sun.  The pool was void of people so I relaxed smack dab in the middle and as that cool water gently released my fears I fell into perfect grace with my Lord.

For 3 hours I giggled, judged silly dives and water hair do’s and just let my defenses down in that aqua colored water. No sunscreen, no shield up, no stiff tense muscles, just me and the pool and calm joy. One of my son’s friends turned to me later that night and said, “that was the most fun time ever!”  Thank you sweet child I thought, and aloud I said-it was one of my best days ever too!  3 teenagers plus 1 big kid=simple fun.

The big blue tent shielded me from the sun, but God’s powerful hand held me and more importantly-loved me thru my day.  “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear.”  1 John 4:18 

Each night my sis crosses the threshold to the front porch, armed with her long lean bamboo pole she braves the frogs.  They are everywhere and appear immovable, nothing she does fazes them, nothing. Guess they have no fear. Frogs are not my favorite, not at night, not so many of them and certainly not lime green ones.  The small lime jumpers keep her company when she steps onto the porch. She is  confined to the house with pain and cancer— it is perplexing how we are able to entertain ourselves with whatever is available.  She is amused by her green friends, I am just happy she can even make it to the porch.

Her daughter just got engaged so on Saturday a group of us accompanied her to try on wedding dresses…just like “Say Yes to the Dress”, it was kinda crazy bonding. To get my sister anywhere other than the hospital bed or scooting around the house with her walker is close to impossible. She can’t sit at all or stand for very long and car rides are deeply painful for her. She looked pretty in her brightly colored dress, I washed her hair in the sink 5 minutes before we left. She refused earrings or jewelry telling me she has not worn any since her diagnosis, guess it is like a book marker for her – reminding her of the last real life page she was on. We made it out the door just in time.

The bridal shop put us in the front right in the way of every person having to get anywhere in that place. My sister braved it all, standing with her 60 pound lighter body, leaning over her walker, trying to smile…as her youngest girl spun on that carpeted circle in dress after dress. Hours later, exhaustion covering her and starving, she shocked me and wanted to eat out. Mom, me, sis, and her 2 girls gobbled BBQ sandwiches way tooo fast. Then the long ride home. I told her I was so proud of her-she smiled and fell asleep in mom’s lap. Sweet life.