Category: Uncategorized (Page 6 of 7)

I wonder if my writing, my words, are pleasing in His sight.  Does He watch them flow forth, slowly like a creek at first, then rushing waters of words sail out over the falls and rocks as inspiration synapses inside my head?  Does He want more from me?  Can I give more?  I wonder.

I believe it gnaws at me, that idea of giving more quite possibly because I can.  Butterflies settle in my tummy as that thought wanders the creeks of my mind.  Have I, given my Savior, my creator, my life line to all love really is, given Him my all?  I don’t think so.  It feels like it would be a crescendo of high water falls in a little one woman canoe—not feeling it.  Wonder if it’s that simple-that I’m scared of the impending fall and I’m just not feeling it?

Boy, God must get awfully tired of us moving through the waters of life totally on feelings.  Well….right now, my feelings are; good grief-is grief really this sad, difficult?  Is life at 57 really this hard?  I want to feel like I did playing fall football with the neighborhood kids, rolling, tumbling, planning our next play-winning.  Am I winning right now?  I don’t think so, cuz I’m feeling the canoe going over.

I told myself this morning that’s it, I’m done with this darkness creeping up behind me-I’m over it, I don’t care what it takes I yell, I’m outa here-heading for calmer waters!  Peter had a big mouth and he also had big doubt-I don’t want to be that kind of disciple, I choose to know there is joy, hope and love out there.  I choose faith not doubt. 

So, I’m going to seek Him on the banks of the river, start there, wade in, ask Him with courage-what else can I do for you my Lord?  Speak truth, afraid yet still willing to wade into a life lead by you Lord.  Can I do more my King?  Are my simple words written on white pages enough?  Do they and my earnest prayers and my precious time spent with you truly cover a multitude of my sins?  Will you my Lord wash me clean and then choose to use me? 

May I be of service?

The deeper I paddle my boat out, the stronger the conviction inside me becomes-pray more, seek me when your life becomes raging waters, I WILL calm the sea.  Come to me, serve me, love me.  Who the world would toss overboard, God chooses to lead and do the impossible through Him.  I am weak, broken, sinful, have past mistakes, no wonder I’m scared to follow Him.

Test the waters, find my gift and use it.  Give inadequacies to God, give Him all I’m not- ask Him to take it all and then use me.  I’m willing to try.  God knows me- He calls me because He truly sees me.  So surely I can serve…my son, my daughter, my family, my friends, my church and anyone He asks me to. 

I am broken and He stills loves me.

“I desire to do your will, O my God, your law is within my heart.”  Psalm 40:8

“Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters though your footprints were not seen.”  Psalm 77:19

Take risks, remember that God tells us to walk by faith, not by sight.

Technically our heart is a muscle pumping blood all day everyday we breathe.  In order for me to breathe I believe my heart is more than that….it serves as my love muscle guiding me through life.

One recent morning was a hard heart one, could not shake off the sad.  Finally got my clothes on, skipping parts of my normal routine and shuffled into the cloudy, rainy, dreary, drippy day.  My heart hurt

.

“the very foundation of grace is in a believers heart”

Weeds of anxious thoughts were beginning to take root in my fragile heart, panic was making a nest.  I made it to Chick-Fil-a determined to read my devotions and bible, ducking in prior to the deluge, a young woman with only a computer tucked under her arm, held the door for me.  Held. Waited. Action words we are not great at these days. Lingered.  She had her heart set right, she held on, waited for me, spoke to me, fit me in her busy morning.

She held me with conversation, kind eyes, and listened. She held my heart for me- a stranger- as I shared in few minutes about my sisters passing, and oh its my birthday, and oh my mom is in pain….all that and she held on, lingered and stayed in that uncomfortable moment with me in public.  Jesus was living not only in her heart, but outward towards mine.  Polite, sweet, sincere, so unusual.

In my booth tears covered my face, as I tried to hide in plain sight. Before she left she said, “Happy Birthday, I hope you have a good day, and I will keep you in my prayers.”  Precious in His sight.

Today was the most raw and vulnerable I’ve been in public-maybe ever.  It takes courage to be a real uncut version of you outside in real life.  Thank you Lord for sending me an angel, I receive it.  She held me and I am thankful.

That dear young woman paused my heart, reminded me to resist complaining and called out to me to seek and find joy in the middle of struggles.  “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight Oh Lord, my rock, my redeemer.”  Psalm 19:14

As she held me, God held her, for you know He was pleased.  Jesus served by lingering, holding, and serving His Father’s people.  He held us.  He noticed our pain. Fear was squeezing the hope out of my heart, God saw and He rescued me as she held me with her gentle words, kind eyes, she took the time to notice my pain.

This morning I witnessed what it means to serve- to honor my sister- it means to hold one another captive in word, deed, prayer and love, to stop for a moment, look around you and see the pain of others, reach out and HOLD them.  Jesus shines bright and pure and true through us as we hold each other in everyday life.

Today, for Him, pass on a smile, a compliment, linger and listen, hold a door open, let a car go in front of you, pray for strangers-little acts that shine big lights.  In His name we are held and then we hold and offer hope to others.

“God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.”  Psalm 46:5

She held me at the break of my day and I am heart-full.

I blog because I can, because I love to write-it gives me a voice. Because I can yell as loud as I darn well want to and it doesn’t hurt ears….because it makes sadness move to the corner for awhile.

I blog because I’m creative, and sometimes my hand and pen rule over the rest of me and they just write my moments.  Because it makes me feel special and I like to be a share-ler.  I like to write and read words more than anything, it takes away the darkness and shines a flashlight into my heart and wakes it up.

I do it because I write far better than I speak…my words on sheets of paper or on computer screens or worn notebooks-scribbled in the late night just make more sense.

I blog because my imagination possesses a real life and gets to frolic and play…jumping up and down when the letters make words and just maybe touch someone else who needs to play. 

I blog because every single girl everywhere has a story…my words create my tale and besides…I was born to ride this wave girlfriend….whooooopeeee!!!!!!!!

The seagulls forage for food in the hurricane ravaged waters.  Sandpipers hunting  on shell infested baron sand-nothing but remnants of the storm to be found.  Footprints of curious man cut into the beach that is sprinkled sparingly with an umbrella or two.

The sky is so forgiving, watercolor brushed clear and cloudless-a blue beyond description.  My rusty beach chair is solitary on the rim of seaweed clusters and beat up jelly fish.  I read.  I think.  I remember.

She is there with me, a grey seagull-fluffed and puffed from the raging angry leftover wind, flies low over my head and lingers uncharacteristically long, just inches from my chair, as if in a dare stare with me.  Sis is letting me know that -“it is peaceful where I am.”

I am still.

I walk and gaze upon cottages-survivors, steadfast and unharmed by “Irene”…serene..and lonely and void of visitors. The pillars penetrate the sand deep and strong, holding their home proudly.

I am walking alone with God.  “For in Him we live and move and have our being.” Acts 17:28  I am on an adventure of faith-finding my way to thankfulness in the midst of this hurricane called life.  My faith will hold me up proudly and I will withstand “the winds of change”-I will see beauty amid the ashes.

It is God’s plan that we seek Him and find Him in the roughest wind and waves of our days here.  The beach is the perfect place to feel His power and find peace in the infinite water, as it washes the sand – God washes me.

It’s not fair we buried my 18 year old sister the night before her wedding in 1975, and an uncle of 35, and my precious grandmother…all within months of each other.  It’s not fair I just buried my 2nd sister at the young age of 52, and my dad’s sister just months before, and my dad has cancer and my mom is a fragile rock.  It’s not fair I yell at the top of my lungs!  STOP IT!   Enough, go pick on someone else.  We’ve lost so many, too many to list since that fateful car crash of ‘75.  Why are you doing this, I ask the sky?  It’s more than one family can bear.

You shouldn’t outlive your children, you shouldn’t bury your baby sisters, your son should not be asked to carry his sweet Aunt Don Don’s casket—it’s just not right.  It looks crocked, off centered, I want to straighten it out.  I tell my children all the time that life’s not fair, face it with faith and play the cards you’ve been dealt…play them well.

I’m heading to the beach, our late summer vacation, but my heart is left behind- beside the shiny silver blue casket covered with peach roses and babies breath.  That tiny white flower nestled next to her favorite roses represents her life so well, her truth she shared, her love walk with children, she adored them and she left them covered with “babies breath”.  How appropriate.

The most adorable little red headed boy, son of her best friend, that my sis cared for and loved since birth said it so well when he was ill.  When his little body was held down by 3 grown ups, he looked up at the ER nurse who was trying to draw blood and said, “Why are you doing this to me…Why?”  Perfect words. Perfect cry out from pain.

And God reminds me with a gentle whisper, this is how you grow strong in your weakness and pain:  Depend on Me continually, I will guide you through the storm.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3: 5-6

I’m doubting like Peter in the boat-ummm he might say, Lord, you might want to wake up for this one-it’s a pretty bad storm!!  Again, while Jesus sleeps, he tells him Lord, I’m scared-aren’t you? No, Peter I am not, so calm yourself down. See, Peter forgot just who he was with-THE creator of the universe’s only son!  Hellloooo….He MADE the sea surely He can calm the sea. And He did.  It’s in our storms when we are petrified of the power of the wind and waves that we call out-help me Lord, I can’t do this, I’m not strong enough, I’m so afraid, my heart is so broken that I can’t breathe! HELP!

It is in that moment of desperation that He hears our cries, calms our waters and engulfs us with His love.  There, on that threshold between us and God, we meet, we linger beside His still waters and we rest.  One step forward, one moment more, slowly.  Deep breath, I’ve got you child, one step more, ”be still and know that I am God”, there, see?  You’re through the visitation, good my dear one, call out to me now, we will walk together through the funeral, that’s it, you’re almost there, I’ve got you.  Dependence, total reliance.  “We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.”  Psalm 33:20

Lord I thank you and I seek your presence as I mourn my second sisters passing- the picture of the 3 of us snuggled close in that big bed together as children, precious and young, flashes over and over in my mind and I smile-because You have them both now, safe in your arms.  I breathe, I trust.  I hope in a future serving you and honoring my sister who left a legacy of love, faith, family, service and giving.  You Lord have reminded me she left the light on, shinning bright so we can see the way to you.  They are both stars in Your heaven, shinning down on us.

“But if you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul.” Deuteronomy 4:29.  I found you Lord, there in the midst of our deep loss, you carried us just like you promised, and I am blessed that I had her for 52 years.  Rest with your Jesus my sweet sister.

The journey is long, the mountain is steep, Jesus will carry us when we are so weak.

My burden is heavy, my load I can’t bear, but Jesus is with me He knows and He cares.

Our hearts are so heavy, our tears are so deep, my Jesus will hold us til we are asleep.

Her body is broken, cancer fills her bones, but her sweet Jesus will carry her home.

As her white wings cover all of us with her love-she will have no more pain-which is what we prayed for again and again.

She was an angel on earth and so many she saved-it was her love that each of us always craved.

Her heart was so big and she never did judge, the only thing she passed out were her big hugs.

Her home was always open to any and all, just walk on in-no need to call.

She was a mother to more than I can count, loving them each through all of life’s doubts.

She kept her life simple-choosing rather to give, and showed everyone of us how we truly should live.

She was our hero, simple and pure and true, her heart was bigger than the sky is blue.

There is a hole she will leave that noone can fill, but Jesus is loving her beyond the hills.

I ask each of us to try to honor her name, do a good deed for someone each day and do not cast any blame.

She is smiling in Heaven and sending us love, for now my sweet sister you fly with the beautiful white doves.

We will love you and miss you till we see you again, at the pearly gates when Jesus calls out our names.

God Bless you for loving us so deeply all your years, we promise you soon there will be no more tears.

Just joy and thankfulness for all you have done, to carry each of us in your heart and showing us His Son.

Freedom: the state of being free, ease of facility, of movement or action, the right to enjoy or be able to do something at will.

I began earnestly counting my freedoms while watching my sister loose hers.  I can shower and wash my hair anytime I choose-with no help, she can’t.  I can get my legs in and out of bed with no help, she can’t.  I do not need a black walker with 4 wheels and a seat that doubles as her storage unit, she does.  I am not limited to the path to the front porch and side deck and the downstairs rooms, she is.  Her environment consists of 2 outdoor areas and 3 rooms, mine is a whole world bigger and that makes my heart hurt so bad I can’t breathe.

These last days of her time on earth before she meets her Savior, sing to me of how precious freedom is.  As she shuffles from room to porch she leans heavily on her walker to get her there, she would fall down without it.  When we lean on God and put our trust in Him to hold us up- we experience complete freedom.  We are able to move about this life here knowing He is with us surrrounding us with songs of deliverance. (Psalm 32:7)

She told me God was calling her home, it will bring her freedom, from pain and suffering and I want that so badly for her…my selfishness calls out; not yet!!  She needs freedom from pain I tell myself, let go.  I will Lord, I will.

It’s not about what we may loose on earth, it is about what we gain-freedom and peace by knowing you Lord that’s what matters.

God is not about rules and religion, He is about relationships! That is why He sent His son Jesus to us, He walked this earth building relationships and kinship with His people.  His powerful words-follow me, come to me, dwell with me, eat with me, walk with me, KNOW me, trust me-these are words of a mighty Lord who wants to live with us, not rule over us.  Think deeply over the difference.

God loves us so much that He offers us a choice!  He  says: Here I am, choose me of your own free will and I will fill you up with my everlasting peace and joy, and my Holy Spirit will dwell in you.  That my dear ones is the freedom to choose and that alone sets us apart from religions with rules and regulations—but no freedom to choose.

God wants us to knock of our own free will and it will be opened for us.  I adore that about my Heavenly Father, that He is freedom and He would rather KNOW me than rule over me.  Power.  Majesty.  Mighty One.  Prince of Peace.

Free will.

“For with you is the fountain of life, in your light we see light. Continue your love to those who know you.”  Psalm 36:9

“Now the Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is Freedom!”  2 Corinthians 3:17

I know you are there God, I feel you in the wind, I hear you in the birds songs, I see you in the aqua blue cloudless sky.

I feel you in the warmth of your sun.  I can touch you in the pine needles I rake up.

You are there in my every moment, in my everyday.  This picture perfect postcard day or in a dark and scarey day.  YOU are there.

“And lo I am with you always, even unto the ends of the earth.”

Lately, this idea of enjoying life has seriously taken over my daily thoughts.  I’ve spent alot of time pondering the idea of fun, silly, childlike laughter and even goofy slipped into my mind at times.  Rolling down a knoll in a green meadow, tumbling over and over, giggling-not a care in the world, has been on my mind also!  Wondering when did I leave my kids view of fun behind and take on this heavy serious symptom of adulthood?  Not sure.  Wish I hadn’t.  Wanna change that.

What happened to my childlike faith-that mantra; I can do anything and still have a blast at it!?  Hippity Hop was my most fav fav ever. Ever.  Bouncing on that big huge red rubber ball with my hand (just one) on the handle-higher and higher every time-setting the bar at getting above the porch, ok, now that branch…..GO GO GO!  Freedom.  Flight.  Fearless.  FUN.  I loved that thing.  Wonder when I stopped bouncing?  Not sure exactly-just did.  May search for one and try it again.  Might.

So typical of my Lord, today my devotions book whispers to me of what my real soul needs-“Learn to enjoy life more” was the first sentence- and get this- it was in all CAPS!!  Thanks, God.  I needed that nudge towards the more peaceful life that you keep whispering to me, needed that badly!  I’m listening, I’m trying, really I am.

It’s like this with Jesus, he is telling us, let go and let God and I handle things. Don’t worry about tomorrow, keep your mind on today, and more specifically this moment!

This morning, this moment is stunning! Cool late summer morning, not a cloud in the sky, the river stretches on forever and I’m doing my two favorite things—spending time with my Lord and writing.  I’m getting closer.  In my devotions book today it said, “When you walk through a day with childlike delight, savoring each blessing, you proclaim your trust in me, your ever present shepard.”  God has adventures planned for me-I must trust and let go.  Let go of old ideas and thoughts and behaviors that hold me back.  This is a new season for my soul! A time of awakening to new and wonder filled possibilities.  “Sleeper awake! Rise from the dead.” Ephesians 5:14

So…..here we go together Lord-swinging higher and higher, running faster and faster, skipping like a child head on into enjoying my day!