Author: cincin907 (Page 5 of 7)

Sometimes no matter how hard you try families just don’t gel.  You plan the trip, get everything ready, pack, gas up the car, plug in the GPS and as soon as everyone is there..you leave!  After waiting for days for this moment, so excited you can hardly contain yourself, you fight the rush hour traffic..just for time to spend together.  Tired, stressed out from regular life, hungry, need a bathroom break and finally, thank goodness there’s the house!!

It’s our expectations that mess us up, the ideas of perfectionism we have- that really never come true, that start to pick our time together apart.  It just happens, nothing you can do about it, creeps in before you can shut the door on it’s face, just shows up. BAM.  Here I am, mis spoken words, fussiness, hurt hearts, feelings lying all over the floor where we all walk.  You know, those times when no matter what you do or say, it just keeps getting more mixed up.  Like you are walking around on eggshells and you are not sure how the heck it got to this point?

Life goes on, loved ones move in different directions, forgiveness occurs, but in the back of your mind you wish so bad that time travel did exist, you would use it for sure and fix the moments.  Glue it all back together so the picture looked right.  You can’t.  You are in a car in a city away from home and you would rather walk than ride.  I hate these real life moments, they suck.  But they happen all the time to everyone…and we can’t go back in time.

What is hard for me in those moments of life is that my voice disappears, there is no place ever that I feel smaller and more insignificant. You talk, noone answers, your words are cut off by others, you feel you just don’t matter.  That is one truth I love about God, I MATTER to Him.  When we constantly need the approval of others on earth to matter, I promise you, you will be let down and it hurts.  Not with Jesus, He walks with me and loves me and listens to me.  I love that beyond the beyond.  

The time together was filled with wonderful moments of rest and peace and love and funny.  Mountains and land and healing and leaves and wind and love all rolled into one family time.  I am beginning to realize that loving is a hard act to commit to-at times even impossible.  But, see the bottom line is we are family, the good, the bad and the in between and we forgive and stick it out together. Doing it all over again in few weeks.  That is love.  

The old me wanted to fuss and pitch a fit and not speak for a long time and just be angry, not this time.  This time I learned some new tricks, don’t react to others so fast, breathe, wait to respond.  Don’t take myself so darn seriously, for goodness sakes, it’s the only life I have, don’t blink. Roll the window down and let most of it fly out with the wind, you can not take moments back once you loose that person-whew that is a big one.  What would Jesus do?  He would see the bigger picture.  Yep, so can I.

Thanksgiving is coming up and I can’t wait.  It is our family’s favorite time, 2nd only to Christmas…we love to eat and cook.  Family and friends will gather around our table and hold hands and say grace and blessings will cover the dirty spots where our mistakes spill, and we will love each other and grow.  Love will fill in the gaps where our expectations leave holes.  Give thanks, for our Savior loves us- holes and all.   

I love books, words, paper, pens, sharpies and anything associated with writing and reading.  Kindles are nice, but the smell of a book moves me, worn pages and illustrations and page numbers and those shiny slick glossy book covers are the best.  There is no computer screen that will ever compare to the feel of turning a paper page. 

Children’s books are so fabulous, pictures far out number words and the artist in me loves that.  Illustrators of these little peoples pages are so underrated, good grief some are mini masterpieces! Mom tells me this intense love of books began when I was a toddler, I even took my books to the bathtub with me!  Later, I discovered reading transplanted me into other worlds with such realism I sometimes wished I could join them in the pages of the words I absorbed.

Escaping a tumultuous life with words felt safe to me. The library was a quiet respite where shelf after shelf of non-verbal books comforted me without any confrontation. Millions of words, but none were critical, hurtful, judgemental or angry, at least not directly at me. 

I think the words themselves intrigued me, poetry, novels, textbooks even lyrics of songs, just letters making meaning- they stole my heart.

Writing allowed me to build a bridge between my world and book-world, my words the steps. I could record pain with no consequences, miracle.

I just love books, plain and simple. 

Today I decided to get a grip, take a stand, fight the good fight, get in the race, you know take on life as it is.  Sitting in my car typing this watching the neon red leaves dance for me in the wind, I am thinking does God realize my plate is already full to the brim?  Maybe He is so busy it slipped His perfect plan that I am already in overload?  No, I think not, He just maybe feels I can handle it.  I think He has more confidence in me than I do, I can’t eat all this food life is feeding me.

It has been several long years since I had to close my business that paid all my bills and more, since I filled my house and became a hoarder with my old store’s contents.  (We don’t let company in through the garage…lol) Yeah, it’s been a long time since a paycheck was deposited, too long I fear.  Trust girl, trust.  I am down to my last 2 months of money, and now would be a good time for God to surprise me!  Funny thing is I totally and completely believe He will, totally.

You can not believe the things I save money on…my cute wardrobe is a unique combo of hand-me-downs from my adorable daughter, smart thrift store finds, consignment stores where I bring mine in and take something gently new out!!  It is actually an adventure to find new treasures this way, my son does not know the difference, what a great boy.  Lucky me.

I carry this new found philosophy about saving into every area, food, entertainment, heating and cooling the house, you name it, I can save it.  I know all the “free” and reduced things available to single mom’s, and I use them.  But today I felt a twinge of the old me push to the front of the line, as I walked around the grocery store, just killing time as they say, I was sad.  Not in a bad way, just wishing I could put whatever I wanted to in my cart, that kind.  I was on a budget in a 2 months left get serious kind of way and I did not like it one bit.  I just wanted stuff I could not afford, and at that moment my heart realized fully what so many are suffering through in this economy-lack.  Plain and simple my life problems plate is busting full, but my real plate on my table is a bit lean, not empty just lean.  I decided as I paid for my few items, that I will cherish eating, lean is okay, it’s not empty, it’s just okay.

God has made promises to me, to all of us, to never leave us, never forsake us and that makes my plate full.  Full of His promises, His word, His grace, His abundance.  Of course His timing is not mine, and His ways are not mine, but today I have peace in the knowledge that He does HAVE a plan for me and it is just perfect and enough.  I love that word, enough, it is one of my favorites now.  Now that I have truly experienced not enough at times, I appreciate that God is enough to sustain me, even when my plate is so full of issues of life that I could just burst, He is there.  Right along side me bringing me peace in my trials and I smile despite it all. I write. I pray. I sing and dance to His songs of praise and I thank Him so much for the bounty before me at my table tonight, for truly my plate is full enough.  I am blessed.

Last night I had a horrible dream, the kind that leaves your heart racing for morning light, escape.  Super-sized tigers and lions had broken into my safety zone, my home, and were attacking us.  I was making a feeble attempt to fight them off, kicking and screaming, guarding MY cubs.  No one helped me, I was alone in this one sided battle.  I woke up. Shaken, but awake.

For several years now, God has laid on my heart to read and study the book of Daniel.  I have tried, it’s about dreams and lions and interpretations and just stuff I don’t get, especially how it relates to me specifically.  On 6/24/2009 I had marked this passage: “…And when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because he had trusted in his God.” Daniel 6:23  God’s timing is different than ours as they say, amazing that what He laid on me several years ago I would find I needed so desperately today.  The winds of change are in my life, yes God, just as you told me they would come, they have and are still coming.

Every single passage I studied today in my devotional time had the same message- trust God and ask the spirit to control your mind.  I, God, am providing training through these life experiences to help you, I hear Him telling me, really I shout back??  Learn to rely on ME 24/7, trust ME to let things happen, do not complain, for I AM CONSTANT- wow, that’s a standout, cause I gotta tell you not a darn thing else in my life is right now.  It’s all crashing down on me, all my support, my help.  I told a friend, I think God is taking away all my support because He does not want me relying on them anymore-He only wants me leaning on Him.

I don’t think I can do what He wants me or needs me to do as long as I am co-dependent on people and earthly things.  This morning, after recalling that dream and reading His word, I see that.  The last devotion I read was, “The wall of fear”, well, I tell you what-that dream last night was the epitome of fear, real as it could be, basically no way out, I was on my back on the floor, kicking a huge tiger with my feet, and no weapon….really?  Who in the world did I think was gonna win that one? Even me, as a mother fighting to defend her helpless baby, would not win this one alone.  But, I forgot about God, forgot what He did for Daniel, forgot what He could do for me.  See I was trying, I am trying, to fight the tigers in my life all by myself, without any weapons or protection.  I am not going to win this way.  Nope.  Gonna get eaten alive without God.

“Your present situation is not about you at all, it’s about me, about my will and my purpose in this earth.”  No fear because I am near.  And, here’s the irony here, God reminds me “I am like a fierce lioness protecting her cubs, I always come out fighting on your behalf.”

Thank you my Lord that you do, because there are always battles and I will surely not win any without you.  The funny thing about my scary dream was- I was only thinking of my baby, not myself-that level of courage surprised me, just like God surprises me in the midst of my troubles and suffering, saying simply; I am near.

So, today, I think I will surprise God and just let go and let God, all day, today and then again the next day and the next and the next…….

“He rescues and He saves; He performs signs and wonders in the heavens and on the earth.  He has rescued Daniel from the power of the lions.”  Daniel 6:27

And surely He will rescue me.

As I was folding clean clothes, the urge to write overcame me like heavy labor pain, the kind that tells you to PUSH. Push through into your creative place where God has blessed you with gifts and abilities beyond your comprehension. So I poured another cup of hot pumpkin spice coffee into my shiny orange mug and walked into my sanctuary, grabbed my favorite pen, this journal and began to let my thoughts flow freely. My absolute favorite writings are those where I do not place my thoughts on paper-but rather they appear like melodies of my mind.  Word after melodious word comes forth from this spiritual creative place deep inside me and even I am amazed.

Fall is like that-summer gives birth to this amazing display of color and mesmerizing cool breezes which move the leaves into soft songs. There is no sound that I have found that equals the rustling of the leaves on a windy, fall day.  It’s a sound I would recognize blindfolded, but then I would miss the glistening sun piercing the woods and the dances of the branches.

“Therefore, if any person is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has passed away.”  2 Corinthians 5:17  

If fall were in a jar with a lid, it would not be contained long for its smells and juices would burst forth and the colors would blow the lid off and BAM- out it would come, loud and sure of itself.  Yeah, that’s my fall.  When we are asleep God comes down to the mountains with His angels and huge boxes of special crayons and says: color my children, be joyful, have fun and color my trees. That’s how it happens…I’m sure.  He must love fall too.  Part of our package with God, so many amenities we enjoy- every single day.  

Fall is a time of renewal, loosing the old and then waiting through a season for the new buds of life to break forth.  I am definitely in a season of loosing the old, and I gotta admit I don’t really understand how the trees do it with such colorful glory, because I feel like a wreck!  It hurts, shedding this old self-the same one I want to get rid of-is painful and my trunk hurts.  It feels like my season of shedding got stuck here in fall in a revolving door, round and round I go with my old self.  

Living for Jesus is hard work, it’s a 24/7 daily walk with His word, spirit, and truth-and it’s not easy!  The old enemy gets me with fog in my brain, and stress in my life-telling me, don’t let go of the old you it’s comfy and familiar!  NO, it’s not, it’s miserable to live life just for yourself, and who is there when I fall to the ground?  

“And He who is seated on the throne said; See! I make all things new.”  Revelation 21:5

“Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, my help and my God.”  Psalm 42:5

He gives us the seasons of nature and of our own lives, so we can shed the old layers and grow and mature THROUGH the hardships and then sprout forth a new faith and a renewed spirit!  It is purposeful on God’s part, He knows what we need in order to grow closer to Him, our Father.  I am only strong when my roots run deep into the heart of Jesus. 

The fabric of who we are is woven together by the people we love and serve.   Colors shine vibrant and true when mercy and grace shown to strangers abound. The most unlikely relationships repair and heal us in a way not unlike our Lord, who knows our faults and weaknesses yet still expects greatness from us.

Bending and swaying in the winds of change, our family and friends sustain us like no material possession can.  Though we break and tear, small stitches and threads bind us to each other and hold tight against forces beyond our control…..hurt, pain, fake smiles and love, and rules.

The older I get the deeper my gratitude is for real persons, no agenda, no list, no expectations, no favors.  Just pure, sweet, simple- like a child free from the constraints of society’s rules and laws and expectations and religion, that old time religion.  God help us all if we do not start loving each other truly and purely- seeing the inner beauty of each man, woman and child, with eyes closed and hearts opened fully.  We are missing life any other way.

I am helping my daughter, my sweet girl move out of her loft and return to Virginia.  Blindly I came when she asked, driving a big ole white cargo van like I was a big ole man. lol lol  We have run into obstacle after obstacle, circling round and round like mice in a wheel, and I am dizzy.  It is no fun to do such a daunting task alone…we need superman, that would make it super-fun.

 Her furniture must sell in 48 hours or we are in deep poo poo. Can’t see the 2 of us moving big couches, chairs and heavy things down steps and out to the dump area with the hopes that someone will have need of what we no longer need. It’s hot, no internet or tv or luxury of any kind really, just the two of us and our league of angels that I prayed would surround us.

 In the midst of all our chaos, funny happens.  We are changing clothes in the van, watching movies late on the apple, laughing at the puppy tearing a water bottle to shreads and just searching for that perverbial fun in each moment. In the middle of our crazy- good happens, like the sweet homless man who helped us pick up all the trash that fell everywhere when the bag busted….and he just was not bothered at all by it. He just swooped down and gathered all our trash in his precious hands and carried it to the dump. What a man, what a moment. Then God just got going and kept sending us more, the young men who moved all the heavy stuff to the van for us, the older dear man who talked God with me and reminded me we are really here to love on and care for one another, and that’s it. Wow, thank you for refreshing me with that divine intervention. Thank you my new friend. After all that I felt God whisper, I’ve got you girls, keep going, keep trucking, keep loving, I’ve got you dear ones. Love God.

How does God wake you up?  Death, loss, sickness, finances, job, relationships, stress, panic, depression?  What does your alarm clock sound like?  Lately, unfortunately, my alarm is a loud prickly panicky sound, and it comes far too early to count as a wake up call, more like a shake and bake out of a deep sleep call.  Just don’t like it, extremely uncomfortable.  My restless thoughts and emotions are taking a roller coaster ride in the pitch black dark.  Fear.  My alarm clock is fear gripping me, the devil knows exactly how to push my buttons and sound off panic.

If God is really in control, then there is no need to fear, does this reflect present reality?  Just because you feel fear does not mean you are in the midst of anything to fear.  They say that emotions are a believers number one enemy…ya think?  What is at the root of our fears?  The Bible tells me to “cast your cares upon the Lord.”  I am trying Lord, but there is a real storm in my life, and I am afraid.  ”Fear not for I am with you ALWAYS to the very end of the age.”  Matthew 28:20

79% of people are motivated by fear.  Got it.

God’s love for me was settled at the cross, so bring my fears to the cross.  Fear is the worst, I am afraid of my future, it’s the way the enemy gets us.  Fear shrinks us- nothing left.  The enemy loves that.

I should be content with God’s life for me and be happy and peaceful in this moment right now.  I’m looking at my life instead of up to God.  My big epiphany came in my hour of prayer, bible in hand, walking the deck, as I was crying out to Jesus, He met me right there.  Out from behind the clouds through my closed eyes His bright sun blasted me and I felt Him whisper….”can you imagine that my true light is so much brighter than this sun that you are unable to look at?”  POWER.  MAJESTY.  My Savior is saying to me, my child you just don’t have a clue how brilliant and powerful my light really is.  You are right Lord, I don’t have a clue, because it’s more than I can visualize.

Wake up call.  Alarm clock.  God IS there with me.  ”I am with you and all around you, encircling you in golden rays of light.” (Jesus Calling pg. 284)  So, He is telling me, listen up, my light is a million times brighter than your fear and darkness!!!  Your future is in my hands child- trust me, breathe, pray, worship, thank me, KNOW me.  ”Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.”  Matthew 6:34

Each day that alarm awakens me is an opportunity to serve my Lord, to help His people, to love my family and friends.  Today IS the gift, not tomorrow.  Right now is the pinnacle of God’s glorious Kingdom on earth.  What are you going to do with it?  Give it away to the enemy?  Toss it off like the sheets and blanket that cover you or let God cover you with His brilliant light and together walk though this day with Him leading you.  He speaks to us through the Holy Spirit that dwells inside our hearts, listen, heed His call.  Do as He asks, spend as many moments as possible with Him as He gently wakes you up to THIS day.

Pray:  Let me see this moment as the gift that it is and then let me serve you.  Thank you my precious King for being my salvation of what could of been a bad day.  You are my shield from worries, for only you my Lord hold tomorrow.  Thank you.  I promise Lord I will be the best broken down human I can be-just shine your light bright so I can see.  You are already in my future, you have already written my story.  I will live moment to moment with you Lord, and only then will each day bring joy and abundant life.  Amen

So….Now, what does your alarm clock sound like?  Mine goes like this:  Good morning my precious child whom I love so dearly and unconditionally, it’s time to arise and begin this glorious day with ME.  Arise so we may walk together through each minute and enjoy each other and as we do you will hear my whispers and serve.  This is going to be a wonderful day!!

“By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is with me-a prayer to the God of my life.”  Psalm 42:8

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go.” Genesis 28:15

Me and my big mouth, what a pair we are.  Wrecking havoc with weapons of words. Someone told me that hurtful words are like nails being hammered in..you can pull out the nail, but there is a hole left in the wood.  The damage is done, being sorry afterward still doesn’t fill the hole.  Even as careful as I am now, there are times I want to grab words at the speed of light before they get away and into some one’s heart, so they won’t hurt.  I still mess up.  I still hurt and receive hurt and it hurts.

The morning we all packed up and left the comfort of the beach cottage I was sad and I allowed my words to sneak out ahead of my brain and I so wish I could of grabbed the dumb ones.  It is just so darn easy to slip up, after all we are only human as they say.  Somehow I don’t think that is a good excuse.  Those snappy remarks I said out loud still ring in my ears….funny thing is I really just wanted to yell…I HATE to leave this oasis of peace and return to real life, I just wanna stay!!!!!!!  Me and my big mouth.

Heading to church with my son the next day, the car was filled with loud angry words…over nothing of significance…just fussing.  For goodness sakes I thought we are on the way to church!!  Silence came when we opened our doors in the parking lot, I almost wanted to laugh at us, how we could just turn it off like that. After the sermon, my son said gosh God sure was sending me a message, I am so sorry Mom..me too son. Me too.

Joy does not come from finding fault in others, it comes when we choose to seek the best parts of people.  Dig deep, keeping quiet until we find the good..the pieces that God sees in us when we cannot.  I love those parts, the good things we find hard to see in ourselves, much less in others.  “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29  Really-think about this verse, say it slowly, purposefully, it is powerful.  God even takes the time to add in, only say what is going to build that other person up, okay, boy is He specific. Funny thing is if we tried to do what He asks of us, it would create powerful changes, in me, in others.

So, I am on a mission now, a cleansing of my mouth, washing my words with soap before they fall out.  It takes discipline, and prayer, and sometimes I fail, but always, always, God is there to help me. It’s the results I love, the aftermath of my mouth bath that smells so good to me and to the world.  I am creating less holes that need healing and more building up, and that is good in His sight.

“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”  Psalm 19:14

“The tongue has the power of life and death..” Proverbs 18:21

What does heaven taste like, smell like, look like, sound like, feel like? I imagine God reveals minuscule glimpses of His Kingdom when we focus our hearts and minds on Him. When we close our eyes and breathe in freshly cut grass, taste honeysuckle, smell salty ocean air, gaze at long wispy tendrils of a weeping willow, listen to a toddler giggling, see morning dew drops glistening atop blades of grass or feel loved ones tender touch, we may be near to Him.

Today surfers ride waves that are crashing and rolling in and over my soul-perfect movements in all the worlds’ imperfectness.  Movements of time to the rhythm of my life, creating stories I write and retell-frame after frame of life time….my time.

Water swells up big and proud with the approaching storm, sand colored crabs scurry to their burrows.  Lord, linger with me, rest with me at the ocean’s edge, your sun caresses my skin lovingly, warming me as our connection gathers peace. My heart strings move in a jagged melody following life’s ups and downs managing to keep to a strong harmony.  I want to linger here on creamy sand so much longer than my busy life allows-for this frame of time-my muscles loosen and frolic. A glimpse of heaven?

I’ve become a seeker, a collector of shells of peace and joy from you Lord.  I see my neon orange plastic bucket filling up with sand, and pieces of conk shells, starfish, long transparent egg casings, beautifully worn oyster shells…I’m gathering slivers of earth, life, the life you created us for.  You send us pieces of heaven all through earth’s eternity-but do we take the time to notice?  To breathe in deeply the beauty of your freshness?

A few days before my sister left us to dwell with you Lord, we asked her as she was heading outside, “are you going for some fresh air?”  She turned and spoke these words clearly and loudly-“I don’t think there is any fresh air anywhere anymore!”  She was getting closer to you, coming home, and further away from this imperfect world where true fresh air is rare.  I felt truer words could not be found.  I’m heaven bound also someday, where fresh air is so abundant I will wonder how I ever breathed down here. In those last two weeks on the cusp of her telling me, “God is calling me” she knew this air was not fresh, not like it is there with you and she knew.

So, I can only imagine what heaven is like; it might totally take our earthly mortal breath away and it may be the best air I will ever encounter.  So as my frames of days come closer and closer to meeting you Jesus, I thank you for the gifts you send me, the peeks at heaven you provide in subtle moments.  Your grace is oceans more than I can comprehend, and I feel loved and cared for in your peace.

Continue my King, to share special moments of beauty with us that our longing for you so continues to keep us excited for the threshold of your heaven and our eternity….that we keep our focus on the true fresh air-your word.

“And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms.”  Ephesians 2:6

“The world and it’s desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.”  1 John 2: 15-17