Bells

I am acutely aware of my human insufficiency today- “I am nothing without Him” rings loud and clear like a heavy church bell, over and over in my mind. DING DONG DING DONG.  Walking with my Savior intimately has taken it’s toll on my bell of faith, reminding me of those words.  I fear the bell is cracking, the cause of which is- it’s ringing loud and clear for all to hear.  Most of my life I have felt I was nothing. Period. That is a complete sentence, subject and verb, and then nothing. For many dark, lonely, tragic years I isolated myself from Jesus, wrapping myself up in dark paper- a gift no one wanted to open.  The world smothered me with its’ falsities, lies and deceptions and I fell for it – hook, line and sinker.  Satan’s fishermen reeled me in right onto their boat of sin, the promise of freedom, fun, excitement.

No worries, no cares as the bells hard sound got quieter, smaller, distant.  Jesus was there, I just pushed Him to the back of the line enabling evil to cover up my pain with, little did I know, more pain.  At the bottom of that bell in my church tower the thick heavy rope to Jesus dangled swinging, in air to the rhythm of the dongs.  ”I am nothing without Him.”  Believe me the only gain through pain is walking with Jesus head on through the trials- one step at a time.

Fast forward in time, many, many sins later during my darkest hour the ringing became louder beckoning me to that rope-climb girl climb! Let me tell you Jesus does not make it easy, it was work, climb, work, climb to the top. The light of God’s grace, His glory shinning through that tower’s glass panes, singing out grace grace, God’s grace, made me work even harder.

Months go by, my hands and heart are raw with pain, still dangling, there were moments I wanted to let go….I held.  Fragments of trials, pain, losses, more stress, trust Me girl, hang on tighter, I am closer than ever! Battle after battle, loss after loss, I held on with all the faith I had, gripping on to Jesus as if my life depended on it.  And I held.  And He held me.  And I began to change, my vision cleared, His light covered my darkness.  The higher I climbed, studying His word, praying each day, spending time with Him every morning without fail,  bible study after bible study….the closer I came to Jesus the more the world’s grip started to slip.

I’m still climbing, my hands are calloused, and I anticipate the top where Jesus and that bell of freedom hang, more than Christmas morning as a child! I am far from sacred places where Noah, Moses, Abraham and Paul walked, but I am on my dusty journey up that rope towards my Savior.

“I am nothing without Him” rings so deep and true.