I wonder if my writing, my words, are pleasing in His sight.  Does He watch them flow forth, slowly like a creek at first, then rushing waters of words sail out over the falls and rocks as inspiration synapses inside my head?  Does He want more from me?  Can I give more?  I wonder.

I believe it gnaws at me, that idea of giving more quite possibly because I can.  Butterflies settle in my tummy as that thought wanders the creeks of my mind.  Have I, given my Savior, my creator, my life line to all love really is, given Him my all?  I don’t think so.  It feels like it would be a crescendo of high water falls in a little one woman canoe—not feeling it.  Wonder if it’s that simple-that I’m scared of the impending fall and I’m just not feeling it?

Boy, God must get awfully tired of us moving through the waters of life totally on feelings.  Well….right now, my feelings are; good grief-is grief really this sad, difficult?  Is life at 57 really this hard?  I want to feel like I did playing fall football with the neighborhood kids, rolling, tumbling, planning our next play-winning.  Am I winning right now?  I don’t think so, cuz I’m feeling the canoe going over.

I told myself this morning that’s it, I’m done with this darkness creeping up behind me-I’m over it, I don’t care what it takes I yell, I’m outa here-heading for calmer waters!  Peter had a big mouth and he also had big doubt-I don’t want to be that kind of disciple, I choose to know there is joy, hope and love out there.  I choose faith not doubt. 

So, I’m going to seek Him on the banks of the river, start there, wade in, ask Him with courage-what else can I do for you my Lord?  Speak truth, afraid yet still willing to wade into a life lead by you Lord.  Can I do more my King?  Are my simple words written on white pages enough?  Do they and my earnest prayers and my precious time spent with you truly cover a multitude of my sins?  Will you my Lord wash me clean and then choose to use me? 

May I be of service?

The deeper I paddle my boat out, the stronger the conviction inside me becomes-pray more, seek me when your life becomes raging waters, I WILL calm the sea.  Come to me, serve me, love me.  Who the world would toss overboard, God chooses to lead and do the impossible through Him.  I am weak, broken, sinful, have past mistakes, no wonder I’m scared to follow Him.

Test the waters, find my gift and use it.  Give inadequacies to God, give Him all I’m not- ask Him to take it all and then use me.  I’m willing to try.  God knows me- He calls me because He truly sees me.  So surely I can serve…my son, my daughter, my family, my friends, my church and anyone He asks me to. 

I am broken and He stills loves me.

“I desire to do your will, O my God, your law is within my heart.”  Psalm 40:8

“Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters though your footprints were not seen.”  Psalm 77:19

Take risks, remember that God tells us to walk by faith, not by sight.